UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS | MOVING FORWARD.

Life

This post is for self reflection really, who knows it might help whoever may be reading.

I feel like falling in love with somebody is the most dangerous and vulnerable thing you do in life. You’re exposing your feelings to somebody else, you’re hoping nothing bad will ever happen to end the relationship. You’re emotionally attached to this person, they can tear you a part if they choose to. Your emotions and deep feelings are in somebody else’s hands and it’s their responsibility is to respect that, and not use your feelings against you in order to get what they want. Hopefully they will respect that, and that’s brilliant and your relationship will progress further. But sometimes that doesn’t always happen.

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

– Gautama Buddha

In some cases, you can come across somebody who doesn’t have the same values as you do and can create an intense unhealthy, abusive relationship. You could come across somebody who thinks cheating on another person is ok, laying their hand on somebody is ok. Being emotionally abusive towards you, and thinking it’s ok. Making you believe you’re one to blame, you’re the one doing something wrong. Hopefully you’re strong enough to walk away and end the relationship their and then but sometimes and in most cases people tend to stay in the relationship expecting that person to change because they will plead and say they will. “It was a mistake”, “I promise I’ll change”. Does this make their behaviour excusable? No. You’re better than that and you deserve better.

Whatever they did in the relationship was never your fault. If they were unhappy, they could of spoke to you about it. They could of walked away from the relationship. They could of even asked for your permission to be intimate with somebody else, if you’d be comfortable in an open relationship, and if it’s okay for them to be intimate with somebody else. Instead of dragging you through the drama of them doing so and making you question yourself and the whole relationship between you both. Asking yourself did they really love you, all them questions swirling around in your head because of somebody else’s actions. It’s unfair and you deserve better.

Sometimes you may even stay with them. You should never be judged by your choices as its you who has to put up with your choice and it’s you who has to deal and live it, nobody else. Maybe psychologically you feel like you can’t escape and you don’t want to end the relationship in hopes of things changing when in fact you doing this is teaching them their behaviour is ok. It’s ok to treat you like that. It’s important to be strong and know your worth, and to walk away from the relationship as early as possible to protect yourself from turning deeply insecure. Of course me saying this because I’m a strong person now, I understand how hard it can be to do that. I put up with the same scenario for 5 years. Naive, young and in love believing things would eventually change. They never did, it just got worse.

“My pain is self chosen.” 

– Layne Staley

My experience of an unhealthy relationship stemed from an early age. I had just turned 14 and I met the first love of my life. We was together for 5 years. It was the most emotionally damaging years of my life and I can honestly say nearly 2 years later I’m a much happier and healthier person, now I’m away from the relationship.

It wasn’t entirely their fault. It was also my fault why it was unhealthy. The infidelities they had caused upon me made me a clingy, paranoid person. It was like I was grasping onto him, you could even call it control. I wouldn’t want him to talk to ANY girls what so ever, I would be paranoid about his social media, I never believed where he was going, when he was out I felt sick. Simply because I knew he wasn’t just mine, even though he was in an relationship with me, he wasn’t just mine.

From 14 until after each infedelity I would take him back. Always. Which taught him that his behaviour was ok, he could get away with it if he wanted to and yes he wanted to continue doing what he wanted. He was in an open relationship without my consent, I was in a fully committed relationship. This made me question is it my fault, is it something that I’m doing wrong? So it made me work 10x harder in the so-called relationship which made him treat me 10x worse. I would never cheat on him i couldn’t mentally process that in my mind. It made me feel sick even thinking to be with anybody else, why was it ok for him?

So from the age of 16 I’m not sure how it even started but we both started to become abusive towards each other. He would be physical with me, I would be physical back through frustration. It was a very abusive relationship emotionally and physically.

I stayed with him until I decided enough was enough. 5 whole years of emotional torture and abuse. He turned me into a vile person, very anxious and paranoid. I chose to end it because I needed to I realised I wanted more I needed to move on because he would always hurt me and as the abuse was getting worse it wasn’t worth it anymore. I was loosing my family at this point my mom would argue with me all of the time because she didn’t understand why I felt like I deserved this, neither did my dad and he hardly knew what went on my mom wouldn’t tell him and neither would I, and it’s not that I felt like I did deserve it because I always questioned why I did actually deserve what he put me through.

“Pay attention to your gut feelings. No matter how good something looks, if it does not feel right, listen to your intuition and move on.” 

– unknown author 

Why did I stay with him? It was down to the amount of love I had for him and I continued to keep trying to save him even though he didn’t want to be saved. He didn’t want to make it work with me which is fine but he also wanted to cling on to me, keep me there without changing his negative and unhealthy ways. His abusive behaviour began to rub off on me and I would also be abusive to him, physically, which wasn’t ok. Enough was enough so I quit.

The point im making is the decision was mine to finally end the relationship. The ball was always in my court. While I was in the relationship the thought of ending it would turn me sick. I couldn’t imagine how I would ever be able to get over him. How would I move on? Will I fall in love with anyone the same way I fell for him? The future scared me for no reason because now I understand in life you can only control what you do. You can’t control what other people choose to do. Wouldn’t you rather end the relationship to heal yourself, and fall in love with somebody who won’t hurt you the same way your ex did? It’s better to know where you stand.

“A further sign of health is that we don’t become undone by fear and trembling, but we take it as a message that it’s time to stop struggling and look directly at what’s threatening us.” 

– Pema Chödrön

I clung onto him expecting him to change. I believed he loved me and I should of left sooner but I never. The decision was always down to me. He would never leave me because he enjoyed being able to have a relationship with me, but also being able to get away with speaking and being intimate with other females. Which is emotionally draining and torture.

From feeling like I would never get over the relationship, and feeling anxious about myself I can happily say I have complete confidence in myself. I love myself, I can say I’m strong enough to do whatever I want and say whatever I want. I don’t blame myself for what happened in the relationship they’re clearly underlining problems that person will have to face in order to fix their behaviour towards females, and that’s down to them. It’s no longer my problem.

“Go for someone who is proud to have you. Not because you’re pretty, but because they value you as a person” 

– Frank Ocean

I’ve learned I’m not there to fix people. They can only fix themselves. I deserve somebody who is going to make me a better person. A confident and stable person, because I can trust them not to hurt me and I can trust them to respect me. Not somebody who wants to take pleasure in using my emotions like a toy. I no longer compare myself to other females, I’m happy with my individual looks, nobody can look the same. I no longer have that worry about getting a message from another girl or finding a message from another girl, seeing my ‘boyfriend’ talk to them the same way they speak to me. Or find out they’ve also been in a relationship with my ‘boyfriend’.
I’m happy now and I managed to get away by myself. That’s important to acknowledge and something to be incredibly proud of. I now know what I want and don’t want in a relationship so I’m thankful for the whole experience I had at such a young age.

“I am mine before I am ever anyone else’s.” 

– in.

You need to always look at the positives in order for you to move on and acknowledge why this experience happened to you. I look at it as in I will never allow another person treat me the way they did. I’ve learned from the relationship and came out a stronger person.

A book called ‘The secret‘ helped me understand what I think, I attract. It taught me how my thought process and actions had to change in order for positive things to happen. Positivity breeds positivity and negativity breeds negativity. Another book called ‘The power‘ also helped my understanding and I believe they played a nice part in finalising the relationship and how I think now.

An organisation also helped me through the abuse called ‘women’s aid‘ i recommend seeking help if you are in an abuisve relationship or think you are in one. The site explains what an abusive relationship is, and what’s normal in a healthy loving relationship.

If you’re struggling understand the ball is in your court. You can change it you have the power. You’re not alone so many people go through this believing nobody understands but there are people who do understand. You deserve more, you are more.

“By holding-on to resentment you allow them to continue having power over you.”

– Bryant McGill